N-Word

I stopped saying the N-word when I was about 17 years old and in my freshman year in college. Before then, I rarely said it.

I remember the last time I said it. I was the early 1970s. I was standing on a CTA (Chicago Transit Authority) platform with my best friend from high school and college. We were waiting for a train to take us from the university back to were we lived on the West Side of Chicago). During our conversation, I referred to someone, I don’t recall exactly who or why but they were likely a male, as a N-word. It was casual and it is possible that my friend had said the same word before. We had grown up with in black neighborhoods where some of our families and friends said the N-word, at least occasionally. Yet it just didn’t feel right anymore. Hearing it come out of my mouth made me silently uncomfortable. I pretty much never uttered it out loud again to describe anyone.

Meanings

I had instinctively understood that the N-word was, at that time, never a compliment. I also didn’t think of myself that way. Even when I heard family members and friends use the word to describe black people, the N-word was almost always derogatory, sometimes intensely so, although it was often used in humor. (In those days, it was always spelled with an “er” at the end and not an “a”.)

I had attended an integrated Catholic elementary and high school (only partially aware that racially mixed schools were a rarity). I had gotten good to excellent grades, had been taught manners, had been exposed to arts and culture by my mother, and I was in college. I simply didn’t identify with a word that always felt like a put down, especially when it was used by white people. In the latter case, it was the ultimate expression of racism. You didn’t have to do anything to be labeled an N-word in the world of whites. Your skin color was more than enough.

Negro

The N-word was derived from “Negro” which was how black people were commonly referred to in those and previous years, by both black and white people, in any situation where race was publicly discussed by politicians, educators and religious leaders (think Dr. Martin Luther King). The word Negro appeared in countless books, magazine articles and on television. It had been the acceptable term for black people, although that was about to dramatically change. However, I didn’t actually think of myself as a Negro, either. I thought of the word Negro as derisive despite being societally approved. In my mind and once even verbally, I mocked it by saying that “my knee wasn’t growing” or “my knee had already grown”.

Back then, I thought instinctively (without verifying the origins or facts behind the word which is now made a lot easier with Google searches and countless research articles) that the N-word, like Negro, was invented by white people to categorize and purposely demean black people since the time of slavery. To whites, the word Negro was synonymous with lesser or inferior. I doubted that black people had invented the word Negro (we obviously didn’t invent English). Somehow buying into those words by using them made then seem legitimate although I didn’t think they were accurate to describe the race to which I belonged. Speaking those words suggested that I was not troubled by them and that I fully accepted both Negro or the N-word, which wasn’t true at all. The words were simply a super-widespread reality of language, but I didn’t have to agree with them.

Uses in Books

Nevertheless, the N-word was abundant in literature, including works that are considered classics. I had read books that unhesitatingly used it, including Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, by Mark Twain, To Kill a Mockingbird, by Harper Lee and The Autobiography of Malcolm X, by Alex Haley and Malcom X, and many more. I red books by Richard Wright and James Baldwin and I was aware of the use of the N-word in the writings and/or interviews with them and other authors. Yet I never felt at ease with the N-word in those contexts even if the books themselves left an otherwise unforgettable impression. Later, the N-word was liberally used in blaxploitation movies. They were unavoidable if I simply wanted to see movies with black actors.

Comparing Ethnicities

Ironically, when I was a teenager, I had heard racially and ethnically insulting words used (although on rare occasions) by family members to describe other groups including Jews, Italians and Puerto Ricans (who were the only Hispanic people I had known in school so they were the sole Hispanic or Latino people in my mind). I heard such slurs used in the movie West Side Story. But the N-word was used far more often in every way by almost everyone even if they were not black.

American, Black or African

The pursuit of greater civil rights evolved with the passage of time from the non-violent, less aggressive early 1960s ("We Shall Overcome"), to riots after the assassination of of Dr. Martin Luther King, to strong racial confrontations in the 1970s with groups such as the Black Panthers. New references and cultural styles took over. Negro was traded in for "Black" and James Brown proclaimed it for us all in his famous song "Say It Loud, I'm Black and I'm Proud" which was the clearest ever rejection of the word Negro. Afro hair styles soon became popular. We wore dashikis to connect stylistically to Africa. I adapted and adopted much of this with my own Afro which I wore for many years.

But oddly, in the beginning I didn't think of myself as exactly black (and I still don't totally view it as accurate). I never related to Africa as if it was my home (I know this might be considered blasphemy by many black people who embrace the connection). While I sensed that there was a true, undeniable origin story for all people of color that is based on Africa, I couldn't quite understand how it could take precedence over my origins in America, or why my status as an American was somehow less important or something that should be suppressed. Was this a view to be applied only to black people? Why was it that Italians, Irish, Polish and other white people were always considered and accepted as Americans but black people weren't? Why was the word "African" in first place in the phrase African-American. I was born in Chicago - was that irrelevant? In America's labeling of me, it seemed so.

Countries and Continents

I didn't have any practical knowledge of any other country except America until my father, who was born in Canada and whose ancestors have Canadian roots going back generations, took me and my brother to Toronto to meet our relatives there including his father, my paternal grandfather. It let me know that on a certain level I was also Canadian. None of my family members or ancestors had been to Africa going back most likely two centuries. We had no relatives who were born in Africa unless you count theoretical but unknown ancestors in the 1700s. We knew little to nothing about African nations, customs and languages. My mother was raised Baptist and my father was raised Catholic.

There seemed to be objectively nothing to directly attach any of us to Africa but by the beginning of the 1970s we were Africans in a way that overrode not only my daily experience but also my family's history, our lives in America and actual genealogy.

Skin Color

To me, the nation had found a way, based on skin color alone, to deny us being Americans. There was a qualifier: You may be living in America, but you are really African and thus not deserving of full participation in American society. In other words, you will never be a full and respected citizen of America with all rights and respect, because you are foreign and - as thought of and made clear by whites, the government and the political/social institutions they constructed - from a deeply inferior place. According to America's people and places in power, how you look, i.e., the color of your skin, automatically proves how you should be seen and what value you don't have.

When I looked in the mirror, depending on whether I had a tan from long summer days outdoors or had been indoors with little sunshine in the winter, my skin was either light, medium or somewhat dark caramel in color but never actually black in the literal sense. I considered myself a lovely medium brown that revealed my mixed race background. Other family members, whose skin color ranged from near white to near black, included whites. My maternal great grandmother was half Scots Irish and half Native American. Why was this, in America, so totally unimportant?

Of course, all this was dismissed by the government, whites and even blacks who simply saw one undeniable fact: I was not white. On government forms such as the census, the box to check was still "Negro". To call myself one hundred percent black was not technically correct at all, but I knew that was how the world would always see me. So be it. I would henceforth use the term black to refer to myself and discard Negro, a word that I would never miss.

Not Simply an American

So I rejected the N-word as a young adult, and quite soon rejected the term Negro. I was now simply black. I was very aware that the world wanted to reduce me to one word when I felt that I was so much more. I studied architecture before switching to photography. I was interested in the arts and music of almost all kinds. I pursued and greatly enjoyed physical fitness by means of running, bicycle riding almost endlessly and swimming one hundred laps or more in a pool three times a week. I was creative and I embraced other cultures with curiosity and respect. I loved travel. I had an amazing variety of jobs and developed skills that kept me employed. I had friends who were black, white (Jewish, Italian, Irish, etc.), Asian and Latino. I was a multifaceted, unique individual with ancestry that was diverse and which defied stereotypes.

But to America, I was just a black male. My country didn't need to know anything else about me. I wasn't unique, just a classification.

Despite my personal analysis of the word black as still inadequate to describe me, I gave up and just went with the description. It was always going to be there. That I was black became a nearly endlessly repeated lesson from the racism I encountered. Biases, discrimination, stereotypes and false accusations made me at times red hot angry but I would continue to encounter them without warning or justification. I would be denied jobs, treated in condescending ways, viewed as a threat, viewed as a thief while I was just shopping in stores and had incorrect assumptions made about me. People thought they knew everything about me as soon as they looked at me, when they knew absolutely nothing about me. Not only was I black, but I knew that in many minds of many people in other racial or ethnic backgrounds, I was also an N-word even if they didn't explicitly say it to me. Sometimes they actually did say it around me and even to me.

Who Can Say the N-Word

Who can say the N-word and who can't (and when)? Much has already been written about this aspect so I won't go deeply into it here. But rules are rules, except they aren't followed by most people whenever they can get away with it or simply choose refuse to honor the unspoken prohibitions.

Based on my own observations and experience, the general rules for using the N-Word are:

1. Blacks and many Latinos (especially but not always darker skin Latinos) have the self-claimed privilege of always saying the N-word amongst themselves. They can also use it whenever they please in music that is listened to and purchased by whites as well as by blacks, or in social media profiles and posts even if what they say is easily and constantly accessible by whites. Blacks can even use the word in front of whites who must understand that whites must not use it or even comment on it. For example, (only) black cops can say the word whenever they please, to any black person they are harassing or arresting, even in front of white cops.

2. Spelling the N-word with an "a" at the end rather than an "er" strengthens the ownership and repurposing of the word by blacks for use as they please. (In my opinion this is nonsense, because it's still the same word with the same origins and history, and despite attempts to turn it into a term of brotherhood or endearment, it is still often used as a pejorative…just listen to much of the inner city street usage of the word).

3. Whites are never allowed to say the N-word when speaking to blacks or referring to black people although the reality is that of course they use it amongst themselves all the time within their own groups. They will hurl the word at black people whenever they feel justified or want to simply insult, say, a black motorist or shopper or especially any black person of color who stands up to them. White cops are not supposed to use the word, except they do as well, when they are talking to black arrestees and when they are talking to other white cops.

4. All other rules are sub-rules and uses stemming from the main rules above. They can be disobeyed whenever one personally decides that the rules should be ignored, regardless of racial or ethnic background, occupation and location.

The following examples will serve as additional illustrations of the various four rules.

N-Word and Euphemisms

Substitutes for the N-word that mean the same thing can be used whenever one desires, especially by whites.

A white female buyer of my photos called me "uppity" because I expressed an opinion about my own images; she and I both knew exactly what she meant and that in her view, I should know my place.

Sometimes a person speaking will drop all pretense and actually say the N-word directly. A white (German) female who was a manager in the company where I worked (I was also a manager) made a loud joke using the N-word to her black and white subordinates in deliberate earshot of me. I complained to the Personnel (Human Resources Manager) and I was given what I considered an unsupportive response. The company wouldn't really do anything and instead I should confront the female manger myself, which I did but without explicit backup threat of discipline from the company that I wanted. (I have written about both of these offensive situations in another article).

In a different case that was the result of a young person's inner city habit, I was called the N-word in the office (again, where I was a manager) as a term of brotherhood or endearment by a young Latino who I otherwise liked and who liked me. He said it casually because he thought it was perfectly okay. I instantly saw his inexperience and naiveté. I knew he would use it to refer to me in front of whites, including other managers and directors, which was totally unacceptable. I stopped him and told him that he must never I use that word in reference not only to me but also in the office in general. He was surprised and didn't realize he had done anything wrong, but had no choice. He began to understand. I knew it was also a lesson for him that would benefit him in the future. Many young black and Hispanic men do not have any older, black males in the business world who can give them guidance. They don't know that even when they think it's fine to say the N-word because you are in the company of other black and Hispanic males (or females), it simply isn't going to be a positive if you say it in front of white people and sometimes even some black people.

Additional Examples

I was in an elevator in the office building where I worked. There were white males and white females also on the elevator. Two young black messengers got on and were loudly using the N-word repeatedly in their conversation. The rest of us on the elevator endured this without any comment. But I was mortified and couldn't wait for the elevator ride to end. Some black men or women might have confronted them but I didn't because I didn't think there was enough time and I didn't want to escalate it into a situation where they became defensive and used the N-word more than ever, only at me, to put me down and assert their independence and disobedience. Nevertheless, I knew what the whites in the elevator were most likely thinking:

a.) black people call themselves this word which reinforces our calling them the N-word even if we do it only when speaking to other whites,

b.) they don't seem to have any idea how they are characterizing themselves and how disrespectful they are of other people in the elevator, and

c.) we would never hire these young men because they are so ignorant and uncivilized, and we will have no sympathy them if they remain messengers the rest of their lives.

The young men may actually have been good workers with skills of their own and they didn't mean any harm, but their use of the N-word so openly in front of people they didn't know would only end up obscuring any positive qualities they might have had. Instead, they ensured that they would never be respected in such an environment because they hadn't learned how to conduct themselves in the presence of strangers and give a certain amount of respect to others in an enclosed, shared space.

Prevalence of the N-Word in Today's World

Use of the N-word has only grown in the past several decades. In the 1960s, black music as represented by the Motown Sound was so often only about love. The Supremes sang constantly about love or rejection of love between a man and a woman. The same was true for Smokey Robinson and the Miracles, the Temptations, the Four Tops and countless other singers or music groups. No one ever said the N-word in those songs. Drugs were bad or at least lamentable and discouraged in lyrics. Women were sought after and in return they demanded, as Aretha Franklin put it, "Respect". Violence was only suggested, if at all, in terms of it being extremely lamentable or justified only to right a wrong. Movies were looser in their standards and interpretations but always carried lessons that promoted conscience, good acts and morality. All that is different now.

At some point it became a supposed badge of rebellion or re-claiming to use the N-word in rap music which also glorified drugs, misogyny and violence. Almost all the most famous and successful rappers of the 1990s and afterward, through the present time, have countless songs with the N-word, from Drake to Kanye West although the list began long before they achieved recognition. The musical arrangements, many of which are great, are not allowed to stand on their own because urban street cred is also essential. It is an important path to riches for black rappers.

In the past, it was not a surprise at all when comedians like Richard Pryor, Redd Foxx and later Eddie Murphy used the N-word liberally in their stage acts. Chris Rock and Dave Chappelle have continued using the N-word and they have become extraordinarily wealthy in performances where they spoke with many whites in the audience. Street cred requires talking in the manner that urban streets say is cool. It ironically leads to monetary rewards that are never remotely experienced by those still living in the inner city.

A Disputed Descriptor

Yet it remains true that the N-word, which is currently used without hesitation and can be targeted toward almost anyone, is still uttered most often as a descriptor of black people in a usually disdainful way. We are supposed to laugh and not complain about the negativity and the painful history not only of the word but of the effect on black people's self-esteem and mental health when everyone views you by that word, as a lower or no class version of a race of people who are already viewed with deep reservation.

To point any of this out or to object in any way immediately brings condemnation down upon black people who reject the use of the N-word. They are attacked as too sensitive, elitist or simply wrong and they are identified as the problem.

Those who use the N-word frequently can be very defensive about it, depending on who is saying it back to them, which is telling. Comedians do not want to be corrected and do not easily tolerate even the suggestion that they are using a word that is unnecessary or too offensive. But if a white person calls a comedian or celebrity the N-word, the black entertainer might be immediately offended. This exposes their hypocrisy. If the word is so bad if it is used against you, then why are you continuously using it?

Entrenched Negativity

This reality has become part of mainstream America and society, but it continues in a schizophrenic way. It remains an unacceptable word in all kinds of situations but it is central to American culture also in all kinds of situations. It is so common as to be unavoidable.

Listen to young urban blacks and Latinos talk and at some point you will hear the N-word to refer to themselves, their friends, their romantic relationships, members of their family and now even when referring to people who are white, as in "that President (Bush, Trump, Obama, Biden) is some N-word, ain't he". None of this makes any sense but it is now entrenched in our world.

I mentored a young mixed race man in his twenties, half-Columbian and half-Jamaican (but he is not an American Black or an African-American), who thought it was not only okay but preferable to refer himself and almost everyone he knows as an N-word, spelled with an "a". He has no sense of history or self-respect in this area but is convinced he is correct and any contrary view is simply wrong or old-fashioned or unimportant if not offensive in return. He doesn't see anyone else's experience or perspective on the N-word as remotely legitimate. He is representative of many young people of color in the last several decades.

I tend to avoid those who use the N-word without any regard as to how they are perceived and with no understanding of the ways in which they reveal how they see themselves.

Not An Identifier

I don't identify with the N-word on any level. There are no benefits, unless perhaps you are a rapper imitating other rappers, to self-labeling as an N-word. There is no reason for me to describe myself that way and there are compelling reasons, beginning with self-respect, to never accept such a description of myself from other people. But I can't change the world and I know that the battle was in many ways lost a long time ago.

The Future

I have lived decades and I have come to the conclusion that in my lifetime, I will never see the use of the N-word diminish or end, no matter what I think about it. It is a dream that will never happen while I am alive.

Yet culture is not stagnant. Fashions change. Sometime in the next 50 to 100 years, long after I am gone, black people will decide they have had it with the use of a word that was meant to do the opposite of strengthening their status and role in the world. They will stop promoting a certain historical reference to themselves that was invented only for the sake of separation, limitation and insult.

And when that day comes, the N-Word will, finally, no longer be used by black and Latinos to hold themselves back, malign their friends and families, and damage their full participation in the political, economic and cultural heights of America. They will have rejected terms that were meant to assign to them an inferior role and existence in their own country. They will stop reinforcing themselves as unknowledgeable about the origin and history of a word meant solely to demean them.

At that point, they will have gone much further in conquering and destroying the remaining vestiges of imperialism, colonialism, hegemony and racism itself. 

1P1908

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