The Two Gods

Officially, we have always been taught, there is only one God. But I have thought for a while, or maybe felt, that there are really two Gods.

First there is the Outer God, the one we pray to, the one who created the universe, the one who we’ve fashioned in our own image (egotistical us, and of course we made him male) but who is most likely nothing like us. He makes himself perhaps permanently invisible and seems to ignore us so that we will understand that he is not Santa Claus for our self-defined worthy dreams and goals. He sometimes seems cruel, from our perspective, in allowing all the wars, illness, starvation, loss, pain and suffering in the world, but we have freedom of choice so much of it is our fault.

We pray to him, asking for guidance and assistance. Sometimes we thank him for daily pleasures and even (wrongly) for material gifts and awards as if he chose us to win the lottery or an Oscar over other worthy (but clearly lesser) beings than our fortunate, wonderful selves. We are the problem in our relationship with this God, and I haven’t even begun to count the ways.

And then there is the Inner God. This is the one that guides us on a practical level every day, saying don’t cross the street just yet, talk to this stranger but not that other one, wear a better shirt to that important meeting, back down when that guy threatens you even though you don’t want to, don’t stand close to the subway platform, don’t fiddle with your phone while driving and follow your instinct (Inner God) when spitting out that funny tasting bit of food instead of swallowing it.

Especially, we should thank both Gods each night when we made it home safe and we should ask them both for protection when we wake up in the morning to start another day, when anything can still happen even if most of the time it doesn’t.

Was it the Outer God who seemingly abandoned me when I was in my twenties so that I would learn really hard lessons that would result in experiences that aided me greatly in later life? Was it the Inner God that made me keep my mouth shut repeatedly with co-workers when I just wanted to speak my mind as they did, even though the result would probably have cost me my job or at least poisoned our relationship further?

Was it the Outer God or the Inner God that made me recognize my vulnerabilities and sacrifice for years in ways others didn’t in order to try to more positively steer and strengthen my financial life, resulting in just a little bit more security than before on certain levels?

Was it the Inner God that made me move to New York, or the Outer God? Is the Outer God directing me in this year’s difficult decisions, or the Inner God? Which one should I pray to? Both? Which one hears me? Which one is the most powerful? Which one will help?

The Outer God is dealing with forever, all things, places and time, of which I am one infinitesimally small, unimportant speck. The Inner God deals only with my past, present and future but always in the here and now, and I am his only focus. One has unlimited power and wisdom. One makes mistakes at any moment and may be powerless to correct them.

I have the flawed one with me everywhere I go. Not sure about the perfect one. It feels like I’m often on my own, with only my Inner God to guide me, only him to trust. But as I travel along my life trajectory, I probably need them both.

SU1105

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